Life goes on..

It's been a LONG time since I last wrote an entry.. maybe it's abt time to write one again..

I finally moved out of phase 1 in my job and am finally posted to a branch.. Life's alot more stable now and I think I finally found my feet.. with lots of help from pple ard me of course.. where will I be if not for them?

Again, I think I finally know what I'm doing.. I see an end goal.. And I'm making progress towards it..

I can do this..

these days, Life revolves ard work.. work aside, the boys in my life somehow all work in the same office.. I finally got out of the serial dating mode and settled on 'seeing someone'.. it lasted for a short while now that I think abt it.. of course, during the time, it seemed quite a bit longer..

I guess it ended cos there were too many issues.. I am honestly quite disappointed on how it turned out.. but oh well, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be..

Like that song we hear back when we were kids, "Que sera sera, wateva will be will be".

Not too long ago, I used to think that a failed relationship will never work out ever (let's say in the situation u guys meet up again a long time later and something rekindles).. I'm not even in the habit of keeping ex bfs as frens.. so this really is quite a new concept to me..

But lately, I've been thinking abt this.. I guess for wateva reason it didnt work out back then, perhaps it's cos neither of us were ready? and it's all a part of growing up anyway.. we were kids, we didnt know wat we were doing.. as upset or as hurt one would feel at the time, I guess it comes to a point where one decides to let go and move on.. at the end of the day, let's just chill and take it easy.. nothing personal, it just didnt work out.. if something rekindles a few years later, maybe it's worth a shot.. of course this is in theory.. haha.. like in the movies..

However, this does not apply to cheaters or violent boys.. I've been hearing ALOT of stories abt such bfs lately.. it's scary.. looks like there is a community of pple ard me who get abused and actually put up with it.. I never knew they existed.. To all such pple ard, it's best to cut your losses before you morph into someone you dun even know existed within you..

gals who put up with cheaters, some lose the ability to trust, most turn incredibly insecure, some even get to the stage where they always think they're not gd enough for him and end up really messed up..

gals who put up with violence, some end up living in fear, some brew phobias, another group end up cheating, the list goes on..

why put yourself through this entire list of agony? Just pluck up the courage and walk out.. Let's not hang on cos of emotions.. after you've walked out, just remember why you did.. and you'll be fine..

The Simple Pleasures in Life

Finally a day off work! and it was a Great day! truly a day well spent..

I think my whole life revolves ard work and the colleagues now, that I've forgotten how life used to be.

Today was a nice day away from all that. we went cycling, caught a movie and spent the rest of the time pigging out. I spent time with pple impt to me. My little sister, one of my best frens, and her brother.

We were mostly catching up, bitching abt boys, talking abt possible future trips, etc. omg there are SO many things I need to do again..

As Life goes on, we all get sucked into the endless spiral of it. What brings us back to who we are and remember what's truly impt to us?

The Simple Pleasures in Life..

An Interesting Day..

2 mths into the job and I finally know wat i'm doing. Just this week, I think I finally have a direction. 

Today was an interesting day.

I have a new boss at work. those who know the story would know wat a joke my last boss was. the new one is SO much better already. One simply cant work under someone he/she has lost respect for. Maybe that only applies to me.

I was chatting with a senior colleague of mine today. and we were talking abt upgrading wrt my role. she says to me 'of everyone, we're hoping u would join us'. wow. wat an honour.

A few hours later, I was discussing an issue with my boss. and she suddenly says to me, 'Charlene, u're a really special individual, and I'm not the only one saying this'. She then goes on to tell me that she's been hearing gd things from various pple (including my ex-boss). She thinks i'm really motivated. It totally caught me by surprise, I just didnt know how to react. lol.

My buddy thinks it's one of those mind games they play with us. Is it truly? Perhaps. She seemed sincere though. I guess I'll have to give her the benefit of a doubt first. True colours tend to show after awhile. I'll know better then.

Follow your heart?

Today I shall write a new post. Finally after almost 4 mths? I'm not sure who's gonna read this but I'll just assume none of the key characters in the story..

So I started work in a new job. it's been 3+, almost 4 mths. I've always had this 'colleagues are colleagues, frens are frens' policy. The line is very clear and no one crosses it. Someone explained to me today that your first experience is always the basis of comparison. I think he's rite. With this current job, that policy is somehow no longer in effect. I even considered dating one of my colleagues!

The culture here is really different. Somehow, my life revolves ard work rite now. We work 7 days a week mostly. Even on days off, we're still working. My frens are my colleagues. we hang out after work. we meet up once a week to catch up. we bitch abt work. we look out for each other. everytime one of us moves on, the rest of the group is affected. we love each other to bits.

the last few mths have been a really interesting exp. on my own. i've learnt alot of new things abt myself. at one point, i thought 'am i really a needy person after all'? i've never thought of myself as one, but it was just incredibly lonely. looks like there is truth to the saying 'no man is an island'. it's much better now, I guess these days I mostly miss Lucky and Romeo.

at another point, i was afraid that i was turning into a mega bitch. one day, a colleague offended me in some way and i did something i normally wouldn't have done. it was just mean, nothing major. but wat got me thinking was that, i did it simply cos i could. there wasn't even anything for me to gain. i reflected on it, and though i didnt apologise or anything, i guess now i know i'm capable of being a bitch (yes it's no surprise to those who've known me for some time, but it's an incredible self-discovery for me).

the lastest update in my life, of course the juiciest, is always to do with relationships. let's call the first guy, A. he was ard for the longest time, and he was really sweet to me. he was someone i could rely on for anything and he has alot of wat i want in a guy. he was ALWAYS there for me and we had alot of chemistry going on between us. but then the timing was never right. one day, things changed and shotly after, he vanished. I was truly disappointed and decided on a write off. I guess he'll always be a gd fren.

and then B comes along. very sweet little thing and a very promising prospect. an incredible amt of chemistry. he's always helping me out, giving me encouragement, giving gd advice, etc. things weren't incredibly smooth but i felt that things were going well between us. now before i truly get to know him, i'm suddenly getting hot and cold treatment from him. sigh, i guess that's another write off. Again, I was disappointed.

a few days back, A reappears.

Why must Life be so complicated? Or maybe it's actually really simple but then it's my emotions getting in the way. It's so frustrating.

My buddy doesn't approve of either A or B. he thinks i'm going to get myself screwed over. he told me one day that as a fren, he doesn't wanna see me get hurt and that i should just focus on finding a decent, serious guy.

one day i met up an old fren for lunch and we were just catching up. he told me 'my dear fren, ur life is still so complicated. i was hoping that part of u would have changed'. 

And today I met up a couple of other old frens for lunch. And one of them said to me, 'wat does ur heart tell u?' he says women have a way of knowing, unlike men. he told me to go home and think abt it.

so on one hand, yes i'm still trying to decipher wat the heart feels. but on the other hand, is it truly wise to follow ur heart? wat happened to knowing the consequences of your actions? i've learnt that i do stupid things if i didnt think things through first. if i did follow my heart, wat if i got hurt? again?

A Poem

One Art 

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

-- Elizabeth Bishop

'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life'

it's been ages since i last wrote a post.. i guess it's probably abt time to write another..

in the last 4 mths, life has changed dramatically for me.. briefly, i got evicted and am now living on my own.. i got retrenched and found a new job.. i was attached and am now unattached.. the biggest stresses in life, all in a matter of 4 mths..

for the longest time (time seems to pass really slow when all these things happen) i asked myself, why do all these happen to me? i mean, how many pple's moms evict them? do i know of anyone else who is living alone at the age of 21, going 22? who ever got retrenched at my age? and then, why do i keep getting in and out of relationships? is growing up this hard? should it be?

after massive bitching and loads of time thinking abt all that's happened, i've come to realize that it really doesn't matter. shit happens, move on. (although this much shit... hmm..)

there is true wisdom in the phrase 'always look on the bright side of life'.

what came out of retrenchment? i've learnt that freshies aren't spared. and that i have gd frens. everyone (esp those working) helped me to look out for openings, edit/forward my resume, etc.

what came out of another failed relationship? i know better now what i want and what i dun want in a guy. this'll only make the next relationship better.

what came out of being evicted? i realized that i have truly gd frens. all my frens offered help, of which, 3 (and their families) took me in. 

i am a whole lot more independent now. i finally take charge of my life (no need to take shit from anyone cos i don't have to). i pay rent, i do my own laundry, i clean up my room, i even started cooking! it's feels really gd to know that one's self-sufficient. someone once said to me, 'when the onus is on urself, u'll do it.' although i didnt understand him at the time, now i do.

i love this freedom. i finally get to decide wat i want to do (roadtrips, fishing, kayaking, climbing), where i wanna go (omg i haven't been to m'sia more often), most imptly, how to live my life.

what i appreciated most throughout this 4 mths is that i never had trouble finding someone to confide in. it's really nice to know that there are so many caring pple ard.

thanks for being there for me guys. esp Crystal, Dave, Ylit, Mag, Ian, Xiao Hao, Adrian and Kiwi (no order of preference/importance here). i really dunno where i'd be now if it weren't for all of you.

4 Updates

It's been an incredibly long time since I last published a post. well a lot has happened since.

first, the whitewater issue is now case closed. at least the part impt to me. my bf and I finally went for a trip. though it wasn't with an ideal group, I still had fun. there was an endless supply of durians, rambutans and MANGOSTEENs!! 

during the trip though, I had a worried spider on my back every time we got into the water. it did get somewhat annoying. like a VERY protective parent afraid the child's gonna get hurt. on the bright side, aww.. my baby loves me.. haha..

the second update is bad news first and then gd news. Benz passed away with kidney failure. it was a painful 2 mths. he died at the vet's. on the examination table. in my arms. mom was distraught for some time. I guess we've all moved on. He'll always live on in our hearts.

a few weeks after that, a puppy followed my sister to sch. she left it at the police post with the instruction that she'll come back to get it after sch. when she got there, the SPCA's already picked up the dog. wat retards. like, which part of that simple instruction did they not understand? disgusting. haven't they heard of SPCA's 24-hr put down policy? if someone at the SPCA decided that the dog is not suitable for adoption, it'll be put down. and that's within 24 hours of the SPCA picking up the dog.

lucky for the puppy, they either thought that he was a lost dog or suitable for adoption, so he lived thru the weekend. and my sis went to pick him up on Mon after sch. interestingly, when she told her story, they only asked for her NRIC, and gave her the puppy with a few dog-care brochures. no questions asked. my sis is only 15. well i'm not complaining.

so now we have a new member to the family. His name's Mocha. i don't have any pictures of him yet, but he's REALLY cute. i'll put it up in the next post.

the third update is my new hobby. FISHING. the weekend before I started work, I went fishing on a kelong with a few frens. My first time. Check out my catch.

Finally, the 4th update. I just started work. Barclays Ops. Another glamourous email add. again, for friends who wish to apply for a 'first paycheck treat', pls send me an email stating your name, number and a reason for the treat. haha. charlene.wong@barclayscapital.com